when love and hate collide

i choose to be who i am now. pursuing new JD quite challenging. doing reporting really tough.i really need someone right now who will cheer me up. rahmah still cannot stop thinking of him.

every time i drove back home, i really wanna see him at Shah Alam. but i don't know where he is now. true love hard to forget right.. i know..

i love my workplace. i love my bosses but at the same time i hate them. that is when love and hate collide, i accidentally cried.. why Allah.. why i suffer too much pain now? am i really bad person? why Allah..

my mom sick..
i failed again my last exam..
i lost my true love..
now i phobia driving since accident..

when love and hate i collide.. i feel like wanna run away from anybody.
laugh just to cheer me back and to hide my true feeling..

everyday.. i will say.. "Bie.. please come back to me.." but then i remembered his soft voice said.. "how can bie be with me.." i cried silently. i love my siblings but at the same time i hate them. so when love and hate collide, i am not me at all.. aahhh.. i can't find the right word to express myself.

it is true.. i still cannot live without him.. my bumble bee..

"Andai diriku ini tidak layak bagi mu, ku pasrah. Andai kau ingin ku lagi, ku terima.."

Mother

"Why rahmah..you have a blog but don't wanna share with us?.."
Its because a blog is an alternative way for me to say what i want and what i think.

What i would like to say now is that i've change. Looks happy at the outside but not in the inside. I prefer to stay back late in the office. Go back home at 9.

My mother now always asking me..why siti..why you're not happy like before.
Mother.. don't you remember that you always push me to find someone else.. not najib who from kedah because you too scared i will be like my aunt who lived there before. What i realise now..she will not be like that if there is no third party involved. I somehow figure out who that person and now i never close anymore with that person.

My mother keep asking my sis and my brother whether now i have a boyfriend or not.
No mother.. i don't have. I still cannot move on.. i still crying on missing him.. i keep on looking at his picture all the night.

My mother still not believe it. Just because i always go back home late. During weekend, i'm not stay at home. That's make her think that i have someone else.
No mother.. i don't have. Weekdays sometime after office i dating with fadzeelah. Ate at dave deli or william.. or drank starbucks which i addicted on greentea frab with choc chips.. sometime..i dating with azie and nyssa at mamak glomac. Sometime, i follow them sleep at  their home. I remembered that last time my mother said to me when i said i wanna sleep at nyssa home.. my mother said...how could you do this to me.

Mother... how could you do this to me..
Because of you..i lost my love and my soul..
Because of you..i never trust a guy anymore..
Because of you.. i've change to be a bad person in her eyes..
Because of you.. i've shut my mouth not to talk much at home..
Because of you..my smile have fade away slowly..
But...
Because of you..i have always cry in my doa..
Because of you..i have try to be more matured person..
Because of you..every morning i pray solat sunat dhuha..
Because of you..i learn to be independent person..

I'm not talking bad things about her but anythings happen have its own reason.

I lost my love war..but always pray he will come back to me.. i want my love back..
Hmm..